I broke down tonight.
After a movie, at a friend’s house with twelve other people. I didn’t see it coming but I felt it happening.
The dining room was cramped, and hot. We were all gathered around the table playing a card game meant for fewer people. I lost. Someone pointed out my loss and that started to gather inside me. The confusion at the complex gate just before, missing his call while looking for the gate code, the car troubles earlier this week…my loss quickly turned to me losing it.
The heat started in my chest, worked it’s way up my throat and crawled out my mouth in a much to loud “fuck you.”
So I decided to leave barely thirty minutes after I had arrived. I felt my eyes turn heavy and my blood pressure rise. Someone else told me to calm down. Actually they said “woosaah” whatever the hell that means.
I turned and made my way to the living room to finish my beer, grabbing my purse and coat on the way. The bottom half of that bottle felt like an eternity. I hugged the host awkwardly and then left, mumbling something about my dog.
I made it roughly a mile from the apartment before pulling over to allow my tears their delayed escape. It wasn’t the game. I really didn’t care that I’d lost. I felt surrounded, trapped suddenly in that room. I needed to go and I needed to quickly.
My exit on the highway was shut down, making the already long drive that much longer. I worried I might need to pull over again lest my still coming tears blind me. When finally home the dog glued himself to my ankles, whimpering for attention.
I’m no good on my own anymore. Everything feels as if it is on hold. He’s nearly done, he’ll be home soon but when, exactly, we still don’t know. This life, alone in the suburbs, isn’t mine. I only belong here as a we – and we’ve been apart too long.

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