Throughout college and the “finding myself” years I managed to surround myself with like-minded friends mostly artists, writers or musicians and I worked a lot of retail and then I worked in call centers and finance for a while, these types of settings had sheltered me from the “popular kids” with their grown up personalities which are really no different from their high school personalities. In the last two years though my little world was widened with a new job in the staffing industry and marriage which threw me into the deep end of a whole new pool of adult peers I was clearly not ready for. It is unnerving to be figuring all these feelings of rejection and judgment and self-doubt out at nearly 30 years old and it has become somewhat of a daily struggle.
It took me a bit to realize that these women I work with were managing to hurt my feelings, the self-doubt and inner conflicts about what to wear to work that day or how to fix my hair were so utterly foreign that I was completely lost as to why I suddenly cared. What hits the hardest though is the strange competitions they hold that I have to consciously stop myself from participating in. One of the women in my office spends the first hour of every day telling everyone about what she did the night before, which local semi-celebrity called her and where they went and how expensive the drinks were and then floats around the office asking how your night was or is astonished when you don’t know who that semi-celebrity is. She is loud and very pretty, overly concerned with right now fashion and obsessed with twitter and I can’t stand her.
Another woman who just recently got married likes to talk about what a pain it is to change your name (it was a half day ordeal for me and really not difficult at all) and how wonderful and unique her wedding was and how perfect of a husband she has. All of this is wonderful and I am happy for her but it drives me up the wall when she consistently asks me about the details of my wedding last May or my marriage and then goes on for an hour explaining why both her wedding and her husband are better than mine. I really didn’t know I was expected to compete in these unofficial games and I honestly don’t give a shit about her wedding or her husband.
And then there are the moms…Oh god the moms. I’ll admit that we are thinking about starting a family soon but it is not a definite thing and I really don’t understand why these women insist on feeling sorry for me because I am not yet a mom and really I don’t need your advice about what to eat or drink or do in order to get pregnant. I have a doctor and I will listen to what she says and honestly I know how to google shit too.
And of course, because I am confused and lost and don’t have a little “I am better than all of you” game to play the women in my office get together and giggle at me, actually point and have come up with code words to keep me from knowing what they are saying. It is amazing, working with these children who pay mortgages and have husbands and children of their own. I truly don’t understand them and even more so I really don’t understand why it affects me so much. Fuck those bitches.